Ghost Story

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Until I gave it away, I didn’t know that the mahogany china hutch was haunted.  Varnished with a glistening chestnut brown, it loomed six and a half feet high in the dining room.  For twenty years, it hunched over our meals like a black-headed vulture.

All I knew about the former owner, Eileen, my deceased mother-in-law, was that she had chosen this dining set sometime in the late 1950s.  Eileen didn’t work because her husband didn’t want her to.  She had few friends, and no activities aside from occasional ballet lessons.  She was anxious and took Valium.  Eileen only had the one child and a dog named Perky, who wasn’t.    Here was an intelligent woman who apparently had no place but her home into which to pour her creativity.  When I asked my husband to describe his mother, all he came up with was, “She was nervous.”  One thing I did know, she liked imposing, dark furniture.

The china hutch and I did not get along.  It was useful but darkly overbearing.  Perhaps, I thought, if I sanded it down to the bare wood, and stained it, the hutch would cheer up.  I bought a detail sander and some water-based stain.  The project took hours and left my ears ringing from the buzzing of the sander.  Red dust worked its way into every crevice, even into my nostrils, despite the mask.

Refinished, and stained a luminous blue pine green, the hutch still spilled its gloom over the dining area.   

The newly refurbished hutch continued to shed its dreary presence.  Or perhaps it was Eileen’s anger, not her gloomy sorrow, that oozed out of the wood. I could almost hear the hutch moan.  One day at breakfast, I said, “You’re finished here.”  I took some photos and posted them on Marketplace, asking $200 for the hutch.  Considering all the work I’d put into it, and the beauty of the solid mahogany, I figured that was a reasonable price. 

No one messaged about the hutch.  At this point, I was determined to get rid of it, so I called the Restore at Habitat for Humanity.  “No, we don’t take hutches,” the worker told me. “Nobody wants them.”  The Salvation Army said no, too, because the hutch was over six feet high.  At this point, I took desperate measures, and posted it for free on Facebook.

Suddenly, everyone wanted a free mahogany hutch.  I texted “available” to the first messenger, a woman with an interesting name that sounded Indian.  We messaged back and forth, and finally found a pickup time that worked. 

When the couple finally found the correct driveway, the husband backed his large SUV up to our front steps.  I asked if they were from India or Pakistan.  “Sri Lanka,” the woman answered.  These two sweet people didn’t know much about moving furniture.  Eventually they wrangled the two heavy pieces into their car. 

“I have two requests,” I told them.  “One, love this piece as much as my mother-in-law did.  And two, please don’t paint it.  If you must change the color, sand it down and restain it.  The wood is exquisitely beautiful.”

“Oh, I love this color,” the woman assured me.  “It goes perfectly with our dining room.”

After their taillights turned away, I stood in the hutch-less dining area.  The atmosphere felt light and fluid and free.  OK, part of the feeling came from within me, but there was also a sense that the house breathed a sigh of relief.  Eileen’s spirit had resided the hutch.  Her frustrations and anxieties seeped out of the wood, like sticky sap from a pine tree. 

The dining table and chairs and I shared a moment of pure liberation.  The haunted hutch was gone.   

Two Dead Mice

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one, skull crushed

the other, eviscerated

Such a mélange of triumph,

disgust, and guilt

once these twitching, furry bodies

sought crumbs, nest material

left shreds of tissue

tiny football turds

in MY car

Mornings before their demise

I found droppings,

glossy streaks of urine

on dashboard

on floormats

Had one peed

on my water bottle?

They chewed holes

in my yoga mat

and yoga bag

made a nest that jammed

 the air vent dial

A guy at the hardware store

mentioned how mice destroy

the wiring in the car

said his uncle killed a rat

with his shotgun—what a mess!

I paid for my four traps

Set the traps front and back

snapped my forefinger so many times

it bruised blue

And the next morning–

two dead mice.

I gave them a decent burial

out by the wild rose bush

said a Hindu prayer

contemplating

the impossible choice

that made me a killer

Wisdom

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Thus the Master is available to all people

and doesn’t reject anyone.

He is ready to use all situations

and doesn’t waste anything.

This is called embodying the light.

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What is a good man but a bad man’s teacher?

What is a bad man but a good man’s job?

If you don’t understand this, you will get lost,

however intelligent you are.

It is the great secret.

From The Tao Te Ching, English version by Stephen Mitchell, p. ix.

Farming

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Open

To open the heart, dig deep

take a sharp spade

cut through beliefs

thick and tangled as sod

find the pure, soft earth

of origin within you,

waiting

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Available

A handful of seeds,

those that need to grow

forgiveness in a kernel,

trust inside a nutshell

compassion in a compact spore

all willing to sprout

watered by faith

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Unattached

The greatest love

has open hands

plants, cultivates

and gives the harvest

away

Alex 3

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Gram won’t let Alex sleep at her house.  She says it’s because he smokes. Even if he smokes outside, he still stinks up the house.  His dad lives there too, but ‘s Gram’s house and she calls the shots.

            Alex remembers that there was a time he stayed in Gram’s house for almost a year.  His dreams were loud in that house.  Maybe because the house was so quiet.   Except when he did something that pissed Gram off.  Like the time he shaved his head and left hair all over the bathroom.  He really believed he’d cleaned it up.  Gram was so mad that after she cleaned it up, she dumped the whole trashcan full over his laptop.  All those little bits of hair stuck between the keys.

            And the time he lost his key to the front door.  He came in through the basement window.  Gram heard him thumping onto the floor.  She almost called the police.  Alex remembers how he looked up from the cold cement floor and saw Gram framed in the lit doorway.  She was pointing her .22 right at him.

            Alex smiles.  He’s pretzeled up on a short sofa in a guy’s apartment.  Alex can’t remember the guy’s name.  They met earlier at the coffee bar.  After a bit of friendly talk, Alex asked him if he knew a place where Alex could crash.  So here he is.  The apartment is pretty sleazy, but Alex has seen worse.  And it’s warm, considering that outside it’s below freezing.

            Alex thinks maybe he should try to stop smoking.  Maybe he’ll tell Gram that he’s gonna  quit and she’ll let him stay at the house.  It’s nice there.  The bathroom is always clean and Gram makes big pots of lentil soup.

            The last time Alex asked to stay there, Gram said that the smoking was just one problem.  She said she didn’t feel comfortable or even safe with Alex in the house.  That he was unpredictable and he had a history of being violent.

            Alex shifts his long legs and hangs them over the back of the sofa.  Gram was talking about the time in the car, after he was released from the hospital.  Dad was driving him down the Thruway to the City.  But Alex didn’t want to go to his mom’s in the City.  He wanted to get back on the street in town with his friends.  He wanted to get back to the way things were before they got him picked up.  So he grabbed the steering wheel.

            Gram said Alex almost killed himself and his father.  Alex doesn’t remember doing any of that.  He was in the car and then he was back on the ward. 

Your True Nature

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You belong to the universe in which you live, you are one with the Creative Genius back of this vast array of ceaseless motion, this original flow of life.  You are as much a part of it as the sun, the earth and the air.  There is something in you telling you this—like a voice echoing from some mountain top of inward vision, like a light whose origin no man has seen, like an impulse from an invisible source.

            Your soul belongs to the universe.  Your mind is an outlet through which the Creative Intelligence of the universe seeks fulfillment.

–Ernest Holmes, This Thing Called You, p. 4

Three Phases of Relationship

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Three Phases of Relationship

  1. Acceptance

Yes, you became a desiccated, yellow frog

Yes, you turned inward as

the gates locked behind you

left me standing on the risers

in my ivory sheath with the cowl collar

mortarboard askew

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2. Harvest the good

Books. 

You savored them like cream soup

warm, rich, filling, coating the palate

You fed them to me, read them to me

gave me freedom:

checking account, contraception

gave me trust:

to wander across France

with my twenty-one-year-old cousin.

I was fifteen. 

Sumptuous fruit

from a working mother

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3. Forgive everything else

The distraction, empty eyes

endless phone calls

lessons you should have taught

about sex, mothering, marriage

lessons you modeled

about manipulation

your wordless departure

sounded like abandonment

since we never said

a proper goodbye

Alex 2

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“But Dad, you don’t get it.  Billy’s friend says that I have to call the judge.  I can plead guilty and then we won’t be wasting his time in court.”  Alex blows into the fingers that are not holding the iPhone.  It’s really cold on the street corner.

            “Alex, it’s Sunday.  You can’t call anyone at court today.  Besides, I don’t think that’s an acceptable procedure.”

            “Dad, I have to talk to the judge.  Do you have his number?”

            “No, I don’t, Alex.  It’s probably unlisted, and I’m sure the judge has a secretary who takes his calls.”

            “Look, I get that I’m not innocent.  I’ll just cop to driving with a suspended license and take the fine.”

            “We’re hoping that the judge will be lenient, given your medical history.  We talked about that, remember?  I’d like to get that $500 fine reduced,” says Alex’s father.

            “Jeez, Dad!  All you care about is the money.  You’re gonna let me go to jail for thirty days.  That really sucks!”

            “That’s not what I said, Alex.”

            Alex clicks off the iPhone.  His dad is such a jerk.  Billy’s friend said to talk to the judge.  And anyway, the new doctor gave Alex a clean bill of health.  Alex can barely remember the first time they picked him up.  He’d done something—ecstasy?—and he was out on the flats, in a cornfield, and the ball of light came down out of the sky and the aliens came and touched him.  After that, he got back in town somehow, and his dad and Gram met him a restaurant.  All the people he saw had three eyes, and Alex had this weird taste in his mouth, so he was spitting it out on the table.  Dad got the cops to take him into the ER.  Big guys, practically lifted him up like a suitcase and carried him to their car.  Handcuffs and everything.  It was terrifying. 

            Alex shakes his head.  He touches the spot Jack Kerouac stabbed and erases the thought.  It works to get rid of thoughts and dreams, too.  It’s too damn cold outside so Alex heads for the coffee bar.  He has his stuff stashed behind one of the couches.  Maybe Deborah is still in town.  She’s good for a coffee and a snack.  He’ll give her a call.            

The iPhone meows.  It’s a text message from Gram:  Job apps?  Where R U staying 2nite?  Alex frowns.  He’s been looking—kind of.  He talked to Jake who has a friend who works at the smoothie place.  He even got an application from the music store, but he can’t remember where it is.  Not in his pocket.  Maybe it’s in the tent.  He’ll look later.  Meanwhile, he’ll call Deborah.  It’d be great to get laid tonight.

Compassion

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Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems.  If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

–His Holiness the Dalai Lama, The Wisdom of Compassion, p. 1

Alex 1

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Alex leans back on the stained sofa.  The young woman opposite him leans forward.  She is definitely interested.

            “Yeah, I’m into a Kerouac life-style.” Alex nods, giving her his most sexy smile. “You know, keeping a journal, moving around.”

            “You’re a writer?  Gathering material?”  she puts in, somewhat breathless.

 He takes a sip of his coffee, thinks, ‘oh, have I got her.’  He asks, “You live around here?”

            “Not really.  I’m at NYU.  I’m just visiting my parents during the winter break.”

            Alex knows he has to be careful because she might ask to see his work.  He did have a small pocket size notebook, but he lost it somewhere, maybe in the OWS tents.  Like his hat, that fine fedora he was wearing.  He can’t find the hat either.  But this girl, what’s her name?  Deborah.  If he plays it right, he could have a warm place to stay tonight.

            “The thing is, you know, it’s about getting out there and living, not sitting for hours in front of a screen,” Alex says.

            Deborah loses her smile and sits back.

            ‘Uh-oh,’ Alex thinks. ‘She must be a techie.’

            “I’m a comp sci major,” Deborah says, all prickly.

            Alex pulls his iPhone out of his pocket.  “Cool.  Check out this new app.”

            Deborah has to move next to him to see.

            Alex awakens on a couch in a strange room.  He is enmeshed in a dream in which a man who might have been Jack Kerouac took a huge knife and plunged it into Alex’s skull.  The Kerouac type was telling Alex to forget his dreams.  Alex touches the spot on his head above his left ear and the Kerouac dream is erased from his memory.

            The room is a spare storage room in the house that belongs to Deborah’s parents.  Alex didn’t hit the jackpot, but he did win a bed for the night.  Plus the parents are kind of old hippie types who went to college here and never left.  The house is outside of town, with no cell phone reception.  Alex thinks he’ll maybe write a road book. 

            Deborah drops Alex back in town.  He’s feeling good after coffee and a shower.  He is out of smokes again, so he calls Gram on his iPhone.

            “Hi, Gram.  I’m fine, but I’m a little hungry.”  That’s all he has to say.  She meets him at the diner.

            Gram is really his father’s stepmother, but she’s as good as a real one.  Alex sees her sitting in a booth by a window.  He slides onto the bench.  She looks him over.

            “You’re looking a lot cleaner than the last time I saw you,” she says.

            “Yep.  I got a shower this morning.”

            “Where did you sleep last night?” Gram asks. “You weren’t at the park.”

            “I slept at my friend’s house.”         

            “What friend is this?”

            “Uh—I can’t tell you the name,” Alex says.

            He orders a big breakfast: two eggs, sausage, and hash browns with toast.

            “Alex, you’ve been here for three weeks.  As far as I can tell, you’ve just been hanging out and couch-surfing.  Did you make any job applications?”

            “Yeah, well, I talked to my friend Marty, and he said he could hook me up with some guys at the computer depot.”

            “And?”

            “I’m going to call him today.  He’s been out of town.”

            Gram has those lines between her eyebrows.  “Alex, this is not part of our agreement.  You said you were going to fill out applications at some places in town.”

            “God, Gram, I’m going to, OK?”

            “But not wearing that outfit,” Gram says.  Her mouth is sewed up tight.  “And by the way, when was the last time you changed your clothes?”

            Alex throws down his fork.  “I can’t have this conversation right now.”  He picks up his coat.  “Can I have a few bucks?”

            “I told you last time that I’ll buy you things you need, but I’m not handing you cash,” Gram says.

            Alex shoves his arms into his coat.  “You and Dad, you stole four years of my life,” he says.  He picks up the four halves of toast and wraps them in a napkin.

            “Alex, you wouldn’t have been admitted if you had been healthy,” she says, but the words land on Alex’s back.

            He strides down the street in angry boots, looking for someone who will bum him a cigarette.  He really needs a smoke.

            There’s Jack Kerouac coming out of the music store.  He stops to light a cigarette.

            “Hey, Jack!”  Alex says.  “Can I bum a smoke?”

            The man looks at Alex, eyebrows up.  “Sorry, bud.  My name’s not Jack.  But you can have this one.”  He hands the lit cigarette to Alex.            

“Thanks, man.”  Alex takes a long drag off the Marlboro.